I live a pretty drama free life these days.  I try to stay as far away as possible.  And the last two years, I've done a fabulous job at doing so.  I do have some drama in my past, and it reared it's ugly head. 

I have this guy who has been my friend since we were in 3rd grade.  He is a fabulous friend.  For some retarded reason, we decided to date.  Three months later we were engaged.  Three months before our wedding, I found out he cheated on me.  I called the wedding off.  We grew up together.  We shared our lives together.  After things settled down, we both realized we made the mistake of shoving our friendship into the relationship box and trying to make it fit.  It didn't work. 

It turns out, he married the girl he cheated on me with.  A year later, he contacted me told me that he and his wife were no longer together, he was with a new girl and he desired for us to rekindle our friendship again.  I was all for this.  He was my childhood playmate, my high school teammate, my neighbor.  My friend.  I had the desire for that friendship to reconnect.  I was happily in a relationship.  I had just had my son.  Romance was the last thing on my mind. 

After talking for a while he told me that his new girlfriend would like to meet me when he came into town over Christmas.  I was sketchy at first but then agreed.  She contacted me saying that she thought it would be less awkward when we met if we talked online until Christmas.  Again, I agreed.  She turned out to be a very nice girl.  A person I enjoyed talking with and it seemed like my ex had turned over a new leaf.  He seemed to be really getting his life together.  I was so happy for the two of them. 

I met her at Christmas, great girl.  I adored her the moment I actually met her.  When they went back to DC shit hit the fan.  He and his ex wife were still married, she got pissed told the military he was cheating and he got in a lot of trouble.  He and his new girlfriend had to cool it for a while until the heat on base cooled down.  Since then their relationship has been going down hill.  I started seeing the signs.  I knew there was another woman.  I knew it down in my gut.  I tried to show her the warning signs so she would see it for herself so that I wouldn't be the "crazy, vengeful ex"  but she didn't pick up on them. 

He told me that he and his wife were back together and working things out.  His grand plan was to just not talk to the new girl.  Saying "She's young. She'll get over it."  I told him how horrible that was and that he needed to tell her.  I would give him five days to do it and if he didn't I would.  Well, last Friday he got of her.  Begged her not to leave and told her that I was a crazy bitch that was just trying to get in between them.  She's so love struck that she can't even see her own hand in front of her face.  There is a whole lot more that went down, but trying to be drama free I'm not going to mention it. 

I am so upset right now because I really like this girl, and he is treating her like shit.  I feel like I have a direct part in it because I encouraged her to be with him.  I was on his side.  And now, she is completely in love.  And I am sitting on the sideline watching her get hurt.  I feel like shit.  And now, she thinks that I am the one that is trying to get in the middle of her relationship.  She deserves better than that.  She deserves this beautiful love story and he is uncapable of giving it to her.  He has a lot of bad bad things that happened in his past, and until he gets help with that, he will never be better.  He will never be able to love someone they why that they deserve to be loved. 

I'm done with him.  I can't do this any more.  I can't be wrapped up in the web of lies that he creates any more.  I can't watch him hurt women any more.  I will not and cannot do it.  Today, I am cutting all contact with him, her and anyone else that has direct ties with him.  I no longer desire to have a friendship with him.

mood: upset tags: growing, healing, learning

Dear Ex-Babysitter,

No, I wasn't trying to be a bitch, I just want my kid's shoes back.  But now that you mentioned it, let's clear the air a little bit.  I've been trying to contact you for over a month and a half to retrieve said shoes.  As fast as my child grows, they probably don't even fit him any more.  Thanks for helping me waste money.  So, in the future if you don't want me to be a bitch and just show up at your house, could you please just answer the freaking phone. 

Second, you have two children.  Sleeping until one in the afternoon and letting your toddlers run rampant is not acceptable.  I'm so sorry that I woke you up so early.  But I've been awake since six caring for my son. 

No, I did not know that you were moving, and frankly that is even more reason why I would like the shoes returned today.  I will be back at six pm, it would be greatly beneficial for you to stay awake and find my child's shoes. 

Thank you for listening. 

Disgruntled and unamused. 

mood: pissed off

It's been a very long time since I have come to share my life.  But I'm still here and doing well.  I'm still absolutely loving being a stay at home mom.  I am absolutly LOVING doing Pure Romance full time.  Things in life are just so right.  I couldn't be more blessed and I am so thankful! 
Wedding planning is going great.  I found my dress.  I found the bridesmaid dresses.  I know the flowers I want.  We've picked out invitations.  We have our favors picked out.  Things are wonderful! 

Charlie will be celebrating his 14 month birthday next week.  He is getting so big.  He is so curious and fun and creative.  He learns so easily and is such a joy.  I adore staying at home watching Charlie play and learn; seeing him wake up from naps; being able to play and interact with him!!!

My life just feels so much more fulfilling now that I am not sitting behind an office desk.  I feel like I have worth and value you again.  Charlie NEEDS me at home.  i want to be here.  At work, they didn't need me.  If I missed one day, it didn't matter.  The other girls in the office could fulfill the requirements of my job.  But if I missed a day with Charlie it would be a big deal. 

I feel whole.  Complete.  And it's been a very long time since I have felt that.  There has always been one aspect of my life that could be better.  And for the first time, nothing could be better.  Absolutely nothing.  Sure the bed could be made, the laundry done, the dishes in the cabinet.  But that doesn't effect my quality of life or the worth that I give myself. 

I look at my child as he tetters around my living room.  My hair brush in one hand and his sippy cup in the other.  He has his big boy khaki shorts on and his big boy button down shirt.  And though he is still a child, he still so much resembles a grown man.  His independence is remarkable though sad.  He is not my baby any more.  He doesn't let me hold him and cuddle on a regular basis any more, only when he is tired or he has hurt himself.  And though I am amazed at his accomplishments, I'm still a little sad that he doesn't completely rely on me any more.  I mean yes, I'm still his mother.  He needs me.  But if he is thirsty, he goes and gets his sippy cup.  Just the little things like that make me a little sad.  

Poor poor Charlie!  Today has not been a good day for him.  Number one, he was scheduled for his vaccinations.  Not a happy camper.  Three shots.  I was almost in tears.  This was the first time he actually knew what was going on and the first time he has actually cried.  I was so upset!  

He is also learning how to climb.  Which lead to three other injuries today.  Falling off the porch, falling off the chair.... twice.  Then he busted his lip because he attempted to run.  He is now passed out.  Hopefully due to lack of energy!  No just playing. He is pooped out. 

I ordered my wedding dress last night!!!! 

mood: giddy tags: wedding plans

Charlie and I are starting day four together with me being at home.  And I love it!  It is so much fun and I am getting a ton of stuff done around the house.  Yesterday I got all of the dishes done, the bathroom cleaned, 8 loads of laundry done, the bathroom cleaned, mine and David's room organized, and we took a long walk down to U of L.  It was fabulous.  I love the feeling that I am actually getting things accomplished instead of just sitting behind and office desk.  I HATED that.  More than anything.  

I don't miss working in the slightest.  I guess it might be a little bit different if I didn't have Pure Romance to do.  But I do and it keeps me very busy.  Just this week alone I have four parties.  That's a lot of prep work, emails, telephone calls.  So yeah, I stay busy. 

I guess it also helps that Charlie is an absolute angel.  No seriously, he really is the best kid ever!  He plays wonderfully by himself and with others.  He brings books for me to read.  He is so independent and yet he still loves to help and cuddle and explore.  He is on a great schedule that he actually created himself.  He is marvelous! 

David has an interview today.  His company cut commission almost in half and he hasn't been happy there in a very long while.  So hopefully his interview will go well and he will able to do a job that he enjoys again.  It started six minutes ago.  I know that he has a ton of potential for a business.  I also know how nervous he gets when he is put on the spot.  I hope that he does well and displays his capablities to this employer to the best of his ability. 

A STAY AT HOME MOM!!!!!!!   

mood: excited

In the early hours of this morning, I felt my first earthquake.  I have to say that not being from an area that has earthquakes on a regular basis that I found it terrifying at first but once I realized what it was, quite remarkable.  Charlie slept right through it.  It did not phase him at all.  I at first thought David was being an ass and shaking the bed.  When I realized he was dead asleep then I knew what it was.  

At 11am, we had an aftershock.  I was fully awake and at work.  I heard people in the hallway freaking out.  I don't understand why.  Anyways, that is the excitement of the morning, an earthquake and an aftershock.  

 I would be in England in a heartbeat.  No doubt about it, and I would spend my time traveling Europe and the rest of the world.

tags: where in the world, writer's block

 Rape

tags: no laughing matter, writer's block

 I use to be that my mommy would come to college and take care of my.  I know I'm a spoiled prat, but it's true.  She would come to my apartment, go buy groceries for me, cook a big nice meal, take my temp, hold my hair if I had to throw up.  She's amazing!!  

I've been sick once since Charlie has been around and there was nothing good about it!  I was sick, he was sick, and I still had to take care of him when I could barely take care of myself.  Sick days are no longer fun.  :(

tags: sick day, writer's block

For those of you that do not already know, my son is my guardian angel.  I believe this in my entire heart and soul.   I conceived my son while on the shot and with the use of a condom.  A 0.001% of conception and yet here is my little angel.  While I was pregnant with him, my doctor discovered that I had precancerous cells in my uterus and after he was born, they were removed and tested to be malignant.  And seriously, what healthy 22 year old is screened for cancer?  If it were not for my son, I would be dying as I type this and not even know.  

David and I have been struggling with the decision of who would care for Charlie if the two of us were to die at the same time.   I personally do not believe that it is fair for grandparents to raise children, for the simple fact that the grandparent has already completed the task of raising their own.  Also, I believe it is unfair to the child to grow, love, and connect on a parental level with a person that will more than likely pass on before the child has started raising their own family.  (In example:  My parents are 55.  When Charlie is 20 they will be 75.  I feel this is not fair to Charlie to have care givers of this age and he is just my first child).  

I have always been under the impression that my sister does not want children.  Period.  If she were to have children, she would not be able to live the lifestyle that she wants to live.  And that is perfect ly understandable and acceptable to me.  However, she was not my first choice in the guardianship decision because of the issue above.  

However, last night she calls, we talk and the discussion begins.  She tells me that she was hurt that she was not my first choice, and the reason she does not want children is because she has no desire to be pregnant, give birth, or care for an infant.  At the end of the conversation, we came to the conclusion that indeed Charlie, and any other children that David and I have, will go into Becca's guardianship if we were to pass at the same time.  

Charlie was sitting on my lap cuddling with me when Becca called.  Somewhere in this sleepy haze between awake and dreams, but when I started talking about me dying, he rolled over so that we were belly to belly and just gazed up at me with those big, blue, beautiful eyes.  It was the saddest, most inquisitive look I have ever seen on my child's face.  He continued to stare at me like this through the entire conversation.  So much to the point that I mentioned it to Becca.  Her response was, "He doesn't want to lose his mommy.  He's already saved your life once."

This got me to thinking.  I am a firm believer that children's spiritual eye does not close until well after they are born.  I also believe that children's souls are with God before they come to earth to be with us.  Does my son know his purpose was to save me?  

After Becca said this to me, I said aloud to Charlie, "It's okay, Mommy isn't going to die.  She's making plans just in case, for the future, so that you will be taken care of."  He reached up to give me a kiss, snuggled his little head between my breasts and instantly fell asleep.  

Last night, I saw God.

mood: blessed tags: my angel

Hey there I am needing help.  Within the last year I found a photo of the cake I want at my reception.  However, I think I gave this magazine to a friend!  I can't find it anywhere now and we are suppose to meet with our baker on Monday!  

The cake was square.  Chocolate icing.  Red splotches, stripes lack of better word.  It looked like someone had taken red paint and just slung it at the cake.  Think 80's-90's art.  It was very modern.  I think I saw it in Modern Bride.  

I'm a horrible googler.  TIA!!!! 

mood: anxious tags: cakes

 I thought I would write the writer's block question today.  My most valuable thing I had stolen was my virginity.  At the glorious young age of 15 (a week after my 15th birthday on July 15th) I was raped by a friend's cousin.  That is where I can attribute my downward spiral through high school and college.  That is where the self loathing, the promiciousness, the suicide attempts, the cutting all came from.  

My virginity was my one true treasure.  I had made a vow to myself, my parents, and God that I was going to wait until my wedding night.  After my rape, I honestly felt that I was no longer valuable.  That no good man would ever want to be with me.  It made me feel powerful and in control to tease boys, men, strangers and to have sex with whom and when I felt like.  I felt like I had done something wrong to deserve to be raped and I was terrified to tell my parents or friends or to seek help.  I felt that God had deserted me, that he didn't want me as his child any more, because if he had then why would something this awful occur to me.  I started drinking, doing drugs, anything that would make me temporarily feel better about myself.  I attached myself to any male that promised me any sort of happiness or any glimmer of caring towards me.  In the end, I would typically be used even more than before.  

This vicious cycle lasted until I was 21.  I was engaged to be married to my childhood best friend.  I convienced myself that he loved me and that what we had was more than a friendship.  It was only when our relationship ended did I finally hit rock bottom.  To the place that I could not even move, breathe function.  I don't remember what happened the night I found out that Matt cheated on me.  I remember blurs, bits and pieces.  I remember running on the treadmill with fresh cuts.  I remember driving in the middle of the night in the rain.  I remember Ryne pounding on my bedroom door and brusting in right as I began to make the cut that would have been fatal on the back of my knee.   I remember lying in blackness on my floor.  And then I remember my mother picking me up and holding her in her lap.  I have no idea how many days passed as these random memories occurred.  I know Andy told me about Matt on Thursday and I woke up with my mother in my bed beside me on Tuesday.  The gap between is when the memories occurred.  

It was only then that I sought help.  It was only then did I tell my mother about the horrible night that occurred so many years ago and only then did the pieces of the puzzle begin to fit to the people that surrounded me.  

I'm very happy to say that two years later, I am no longer an excerise bulemic.  I no longer cut myself.  I am engaged to the man that knows my flaws, my past, and truly accepts me for who I am and how I got to the place I am.  I have a gorgeous son who is my world.  I am now a rape activist and share my story instead of keeping it bottled up inside.  I am now the complete person that I was not before. 

mood: uncomfortable tags: stolen goods, writer's block

I finished Charlie’s quilt last night.  Yes, it is the same one I was working on last year before he was born.  And I just had those five more days before his due date it would have been done!  Lol sadly, those five days of work took an actual year to complete.  But now it’s his first birthday present.  So whatever works.  It turned out great!  I’m very proud of it.  Everyone I have shown the finished product to are very impressed that it was my first one.  I’m very impressed that it’s my first one!  I’m sure there will be pictures to come, but not while I’m at work. 

mood: accomplished tags: projects